Chauncey C. Riddle
c. 1984
What is a self? A self has a body, feelings, thought processes, desires, but is probably not any of these nor the collection. Perhaps a self is a consciousness that is aware of its body, its feelings, thinking and desiring. This consciousness has the power of attention. It can focus on anything within the stream of mental events. It is an active choosing force that we call “the real me.”
A healthy self is one that is ready to meet any happening in the world with aplomb. It is never afraid (though often prudent), never angry (sometimes wary), never self-pitying (though sometimes hurting), never envious (but have real desires). In short, the healthy self never entertains negative emotions (sometimes tempted to do so, but never allowing such to remain).
The unhealthy self is afraid. It fears its body will be hurt or not nourished or rested. It fears its feelings will be wounded. It feels its thoughts to be inferior, therefore is hesitant to be open. It fears its desires will not be fulfilled. It fears its actions will be rejected as wrong or insufficient.
The fear of the unhealthy self probably has root in rejection as a child. There was an experience of real hunger that was not met until fear of hunger had lodged deeply. There were unassuaged hurts that culminated in fearful anticipation of further wounds. There were situations of “put down” embarrassment which caused the self to wonder when such would happen again. There were unfulfilled desires that left the self wondering if this were perhaps a totally hostile universe.
These fear-engendering experiences of the self have given rise to a defense mechanism—self-love. The self essentially says, “No one else loves me, so I will undertake the cause of my own welfare. I will love me and take good care of me, then I will have nothing to fear.” The only trouble with this strategy is that it doesn’t work. The love of self never fully satisfies the fears of the self. And the self feels, deep down, that this is wrong, to boot.
When the self undertakes to love and care for itself because no one else is doing so, this course embarked upon is self-destructive. It becomes self feeding upon self. For the measure of love is always sacrifice. Whatever we give up of our own comfort and benefit to help another is the true gift of love. But when the “other” is oneself, one gives up comfort and benefit to give oneself comfort and benefit.
Self-love doesn’t work well because the resources of self-love are always poor; it therefore cannot satisfy. The conscience of a person tells him it is wrong to love self, so one is discomfited. Then we add that the resources of self-love is a depletion of self resources (thus, of self) and we have classic self-destruction.
Self-love leads to self-despising. For the impetus to self-love is being despised by others. We naturally tend to think less of ourselves when others around us despise us. The fact that self-love is insufficient to satisfy the needs of self further lowers our self-respect level. The fact that one’s conscience pricks him for self-love causes further self-shame. The self-destructiveness of self-love adds a final blow. Self-respect has sunk to an intolerable low point.
Being already wounded, the self-loving self is difficult to help. Such an one cannot openly discuss the problem because the wounds are so deep and painful. Discussion exacerbates the hurt. Nor can such brook criticism, for that is taken as further despising heaped upon deep self-despising which may well be more than one can bear.
The distraught self-loving, self-despising self has no comfort or peace. The antidote has become a torment. The tormented soul thrashes wildly, trying to find peace, comfort, and security. Typical attempts at compensatory behavior are as follows:
Stimulus of body: (I drown my sorrows.)
Overeating, High speed thrills, Seeking to be scared, Drugs, Sexual libertinism, Loud erotic music
Escape: (I’ll try to forget my sorrows.)
Television, Workaholic performance, Immersion in the peer group, Books, Professional student, Overzealous espousal of some cause
Hiding: (No one must know.)
Lying, Rejecting of help, Hypocrisy, Reclusiveness
Denigration: (I’m not worth anything.)
Constant apologies, Psychosomatic illness, Suicide, Masochism, Carelessness
Aggression: (You rejected me, world; I’ll get back at you.)
Sports (brutality), Hatred, War, Criticism of others, Strikes, Anger, Crime, Insult, Spite Terrorism
Compensations: (If I can’t have love, I’ll take….)
Money, Prestige, Fashion and clothing, Cosmetics, Arrogance, Power, Many possessions, Jewelry, Famous friends, Spendthriftiness (be the generous one)
A person who is bound down with self-love is in the bondage of sin. As in quicksand, every struggle to add more self-love takes him deeper.
The only cure for self-love (and thus for sin) is to be loved. When a person finds that instead of the usual patronizing love of another self-lover, he is confronted by an unconditional love which accepts him as he is (does not despise him), will not collude in causing him to sin or in accepting his sinning, and which sacrifices to be a friend to him, he is first overwhelmed. Then he doubts it and tries to disprove that it is the real thing. When the doubt and disproof attempts have failed, then the self-lover must make a fundamental choice. He must choose: (1) to admit that sin and self-love are not good and don’t work, therefore they must be rejected in order to become like the person who loves him unconditionally; or (2) he must choose to espouse sin and self-love as his preferred way of life, a conscious rejection of unconditional love and righteousness.
The only unconditional love in this world is the pure love of Christ as embodied in the Savior or in someone who is truly His servant. To encounter this love, accompanied by the witness of the Holy Spirit, (it always is), is the true and only full opportunity to repent, to come unto Christ, to change from sin to righteousness, that this world affords.
The person who loves himself as a desperate self-defense mechanism can relinquish self-love when he discovers that the Savior loves him unconditionally. As the Holy Spirit teaches him that the Savior knows all, and has power to control all things, he sees that to be loved by such a being means that he need fear nothing, ever again. Feeling the reality of that pure love through the Spirit, he yields himself as a little child into the care and keeping of the Savior, ready to obey every instruction the Savior gives him, willing to suffer humbly whatever the Savior sees fit to inflict upon him, ready to make any sacrifice necessary to love purely. He is again as a little child, ready to be reborn.
The lost child is reborn through the waters of baptism and in the warm spiritual cleansing of the Holy Spirit. No longer needing to love himself, this person focuses now a true and fulfilling love on the Savior. Guided by the Holy Spirit, he feasts upon the words, the feelings, the ideas, the actions of his new father, Jesus Christ. He yearns to be nearer to Him and spends his best moments in mighty prayer, striving to draw ever nearer to his father. Upon arising from prayer, he views the world with the eye of faith: it is his apple. The world is his grand opportunity to go forth with confidence to do the will of his new father: to love others unconditionally, to speak the truth in all humility, to visit the widows and the fatherless in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.
Self-love has given way to love of God and love of neighbor. The newness of life is indeed not of this world. But he is grateful to be yet in the world where he can reach out to other souls tormented by self-love.